Dear Non-Pregnant Person

Dear Non-Pregnant Person, I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice. 1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an asshole. 2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'. 3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it... 4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman. 5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight...ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'. 6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. 7) There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren't invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won't be invited to be there when it comes out either. 8) Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents' home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it. 9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping. 10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.11) Do not ask me how I am feeling every day unless you really want to hear about my constipation, sore tatas, or diarrhea. Because I will really tell you.12) I don't care if you don't like the name we picked out for our baby, it's our baby.13) I don't really care that you ran a 10K when you were five months pregnant or your sister never felt sick for this long. I'll do what I am comfortable with and my condition is as much my own as this baby I am carrying. Don't assume that because your Mom only gained 18 pounds that I will too- I am so sick of hearing how much better everyone else seems to have been at being pregnant than I am now- it is different for every woman!14) Just because I don't LOOK pregnant yet does not mean I don't feel like crap! Don't ever ever tell a pregnant woman that constant vomiting/nausea is all in her head!15) Why, no, I had absolutely NO CLUE what causes pregnancy. Why don't you enlighten me? Oh wait...that's right...it's none of your business. Why do you need to know what method of birth control I use? Isn't it OBVIOUS that I'm not using it now?16) Don't tell me I need to stop having children. Just because two was enough for you doesn't mean everyone feels that way. I just might want 10 kids. Go sterilize yourself and stop worrying about my reproductive organs.17) Do not ask me if this pregnancy was an accident. First of all, I wouldn't tell you if it was. Second of all, I would never call my baby an accident. The only accident here was me running into your rude ass today.18) Please stop referring to my breasts as "udders", "melons" "hooters" and the like..... It's just not funny.19) For the last time I do not want to hear "You need to be careful", "high heels are not sturdy shoes, and you could hurt the baby!!", "Do you think it's wise to work out so much?" I'm not stupid, I can figure things out on my own without your two cents.20) Enjoy these guidelines! Practice them, live by them, and show ALL pregnant women some respect!! That is all. Have a great day!