Update on Me

Today I am a roller coaster honestly.

I got a myspace message that sounds weird or off and I think it means my first boyfriend which is also one of my oldest friend died last night... I am too afraid to call his mama and find out...

I am freaking out over the baby... I really shouldn't but I feel so stupid. I mean I bought mostly winter clothes for the baby then I realized it will be 100 degree's when he is born so he might be too hot in the clothes I bought him so then I stressed my husband out by telling him I would need something else but it will be 100 degree's during the day and cool at night so what would the newborn wear? His little legs will be red and splotchy in a onesie... Then a light bulb went off and said if the PJ's I have for him are too warm then I will go buy him some little rompers then why worry about it now unless I can find them at yard sales or something.

Diapers and Breastfeeding are scaring me... The thought of a c-section (I am going to make sure a VBAC isn't an option AGAIN and AGAIN) being tied down for forty five minutes I just feel an anxiety attack will happen. Not being able to hold, nurse, or touch the baby because my arms have to be tied down. Oh god I want to cry.

Then James... I don't know what to do about James. I feel like I've been avoiding him for days because I don't know what to say to him. am so proud of my Jamesy for being so unselfish to buy a Pack N Play for us... No one asked him to. I mean that says so much I don't know if I could actually say it without breaking down into tears. I mean that means he accepts William and wants to help with him (he would never dream of holding him still I think!) It means he LOVES me and yeah I knew that because he doesn't verbally defend me but he does it in his own way (we've seen some of the stuff he writes about me), I always think of my self as an intruder or the evil step mother bitch because I give him structure and discipline. Its amazing you give someone discipline and they reward you with LOVE! He doesn't buy gifts but this was a BIG gift and I know what he wants and cannot afford so he could have bought something he wants for himself instead. I have asked him to even buy his dad a $20 DVD and he said no. But he told Rick he felt like an ass for forgetting Mothers Day (although he didn't get his mother anything and never does unless I remind him... He didn't even want to call her we did remind him to do that) He said he really wanted to help with William and didn't know how. He see's how stressed we are trying to come up with the money for everything. Its truly a gift an amazing gift that I never thought would happen with my adult step children... WOW

I had a blast at my baby shower on Sunday thanks to my Hostess Crystal and her little assistant Heather who helped with the decorations and cake... Thats so sweet of both of them. All my wonderful supportive Military Wife friends that came. Thank you to those who came and to those of who were there in spirit you know who you are.. You learn who your true friends are even asking for the simplistest thing.

Anyways I rambled yeah I had a great time. Rick was supposed to take pictures but didn't cause he's a goober.. And I have to figure out how to get them off my friends camera and on to my computer at some point but here are some pictures

I got gift cards from Pegan and Marissa as well as Rick's aunt sent me cash which will go straight into Williams savings account or piggy bank!